IVP - Strangely Dim - Petered Out

Petered Out

This year, to mark the events remembered during Holy Week, I will be playing the apostle Peter in our church's play, The Living Last Supper. For me it's a promotion of sorts. Last year I played Matthew, the kooky tax collector: I stood up, said my peace and sat down. Meanwhile Peter stood up, said his peace, danced around, sang a solo and wept bitterly. The only bitter weeping I did was over my lack of time in the spotlight.

This year is very different. This year nobody is just standing up, saying their peace and sitting down again. This year we're all over the stage--every single one of us. And this year I'm playing Peter, who I'm told should be played at times whiney, at times dim-witted, at times cocky and surly. I'm developing a bit of a complex about what the casting director thinks of me as a person.

I'll be glad when the play is over, not just because then I can stop singing but because frankly, I'm getting Petered out.

Acting doesn't come naturally to me, but to authentically portray such a significant, familiar person has been especially challenging. This is Peter, after all: the rock on which Jesus would build his church, the first pope, the undisputed leader of the earliest Christian community. But this same Peter denied Jesus, acted without thinking, lied impulsively, could never quite figure out what anybody was really talking about. He was at times whiney, at times dim-witted, at times cocky and surly. He is a sinner, he is a saint. He is, in short, a lot like me.

Ever since I was a kid I've identified with Peter. When I'm feeling self-assured, I think of Peter saying matter-of-factly, "You are the Christ," as though he and Jesus were surrounded by idiots. When I'm feeling especially special, I think of Jesus saying to Peter, "Blessed are you, Peter . . . on this rock I will build my church." When I get so mad I could cut someone's ear off, I think of Peter.

I also think of Peter when I've screwed up: when I hem and haw my way through an uncomfortable conversation; when I distance myself from my friends, my family, my faith. I think of Peter when I'm trying to stay undercover and when I'm trying to grab the spotlight. When I think of Peter, I think of paradox, and when I think of paradox, I think of myself.

Yep, playing Peter cuts a little close to the ear, so to speak. Getting up in front of a room full of people to brag about myself and then, moments later, to deny everything I've said I believe, makes me a bit uncomfortable. Mix in a little singing, and I'm a nervous wreck.

They say that both John Calvin and Augustine of Hippo see a connection between knowledge of the self and knowledge of God. I might add the knowledge of others to the mix, because it's in getting to know Peter these last several weeks that I've come to know myself in a different way. And in the process of learning Peter and relearning myself, I'm coming into a fresh appreciation of all that God has to deal with, and all that God has already dealt with.

Posted by Dave Zimmerman at April 6, 2006 12:26 PM